however, i did love the cow opener

found this article via shakesville:

it would appear that kevin cullen, columnist at the boston globe, believes himself to be quite the forward-thinking dude. but alas (poor yorrick!) (sorry) he is a fauxgressive. instead of making an articulate argument about same-sex marriage, all we get is misogynistic jokes about how much it sucks to be married to those crazy nagging women and teh gays should know kevin's pain, dammit!

his article starts off with a very strange anecdote about a cow, which i encourage you to read just so you can sit there wondering why exactly this man is talking to me about cows. then he tells us this gem:

"But gay marriage is so yesterday anyways. It's been like, four years and the sun still rises...(i'm cutting this out because he starts talking about sunsets and lou gorman eating lunch and it's even weirder than the cow shit) (also, could someone please tell me who the fuck lou gorman is?) I mean, even the Globe played the Senate story on the City & Region front. Yawn."

okay, first off, when you start quoting hilary duff lyrics, then your academic ass is in trouble in my book. i really hate when adults try to "ironically" use "teen slang" (and yes, i find those annoying quotation marks to be absolutely necessary). i got news for you old folks, nobody actually talks like this. i have never in my life heard a fellow teenager sincerely use the phrase "so yesterday" and if i ever did, that person would be in the minority and mocked to within an inch of his/her life. the days of valley girls are over. we're on to bigger and better things, like snorting oxy. and i'd love to know how exactly cullen finds that gay marriage is so over. correct me if i'm wrong, but i do believe that only two states out of 50 allow gay marriage and only a handful allow civil unions. sounds to me that the problem is far from over. but hey, i get it, kevin. gay marriage is definitely not the trendy cause du jour. i'm not really sure what is these days- africa's over, right? is anyone still talking about africa except angie and bono? help me out, buddy. oh, and i love how he points out that even his newspaper covered the issue. "wow, my newspaper actually did its job and reported an issue! and to think we considered putting the brangelina christwins on the cover".
but kev's moved on already:

"I think it's constitutionally unfair that only heterosexuals are allowed to know what it feels like to get constantly nagged, be told your socks don't match, and find out your wallet has been emptied so your spouse could buy another pair of shoes that will lie unworn in a closet...I thought gay marriage would be something the religious right would try to foist on gay people. You know, gay couples could be as miserable as the rest of us."

gee, someone sounds a leeetle bitter about his wife. but no, he's not talking about his personal life at all, he's talking about "the rest of us"- the normal, miserable straight folks whose spouses nag at them and buy too many shoes (and of course, these examples are in no way misogynistic stereotypes directed towards women. i'm sure kevin is also referring to husbands as well). and i don't know about you guys, but i find it constitutionally unfair that people are being denied the right to be legally bound to their spouse because of their sexual orientation. but maybe i should be complaining about my honey stealing my money for shoes (but wait, i'm a woman...so i guess i should be dedicating my time to a) getting a boyfriend and b)marrying him for shoe money. thanks, kevin cullen! has anyone ever told this guy he should be on dr. phil?)

i'm not really sure how to express myself through words here, so i'm going to use a diagram.


HERE is the point of gay marriage
POINT

HERE's Kevin and his point

KEVIN

you get what i'm trying to say, here?