penguin politics

the other day my friend (who has asked to be called goblin) and i were messaging back and forth on facebook for a couple hours and had The Greatest Conversation Ever. seriously. it started off as just making plans to hang out and it just morphed into a thing of beauty. i really don't know how to describe it, so i'm posting it up here verbatim (yes, i have goblin's permission to do this).

goblin: woah, you responded to that [message] in like, zero seconds.
alexandra: i have skillz.
goblin: yeah, you're a ninja.
alexandra: my ninja skills just grow day by day. for example, have you noticed that japan did not explode at 9:57 this morning? yeah, that was all me. and i wasn't even awake yet.
goblin: and the penguins are all still dancing and feasting down at the bottom of the world. that's allll you.
alexandra: i am a penguin goddess. they love me and build ice temples in my honor.
goblin: well, obviously you never go visit those temples, since you would at present be a -frozen- penguin goddess statue inside one of them.
alexandra: i visit my penguin ambassadors at the galapagos islands who keep me posted of all north pole penguin activity. i also communicate with north pole penguins via telepathy.
goblin: are you also the goddess of the galapagos tortoises, then? that's the only way i can possibly see them letting you meet among all those darwin-damned finches. or is it neutral ground?
alexandra: although i am not the tortoise goddess, they are very fond of me and act as guards when i am holding council with my penguins. i have told them that i hold no threat to the finches, who regard me as a neutral entity. it took awhile, but i finally have won over the trust of the tortoise high priestess and now we get along fabulously. i was just having tea with the high priestess the other day. we were discussing the possibility of building some sort of temperature-controlled ecohouse where both the galapagos penguins and the arctic penguins could meet with me and have a face-to-face discussion instead of communicating through brain waves, which can be quite headache-inducing, as you can imagine.
goblin: i'm sorry, i can't continue this story line, i laughed too hard for too long because of that last entry, and i can't think of a suitable response. you win.
alexandra: although i am deeply saddened to lose the ear of someone who appreciates my neverending work as Alexandra, Glory of the Arctic, Light of the Island, Shining Star to All Tuxedo Birds, i understand that the introduction of this part of my life that you were previously unaware of can be a bit surprising, even overwhelming. i look forward to conversing with you on this subject at a later date, and would like to inform you in advance that i would be honored if you were to look over a draft of a treaty i am writing for peace between the Arctics and the sea lions. hopefully you can respond post haste, as the Grand PooBah of the sea lions is awaiting my response soon.
goblin: well, as a start for the treaty, i would suggest an alliance based on gathering as a united front against renegade orcas. they're a sheer menace! also, since sea lion mums during mating season usually only eat penguins if they accidentally put themselves in harm's way when the female sea lion hasn't eaten for weeks, perhaps some sort of feeding arrangement could be established. i'm sure once the females of both species settle down with each other in their book clubs, they'll only be too happy to bring each other casseroles when one of them can't go hunt!
alexandra: yes, the orca problem is getting quite out of control. the Greenblatt Treaty of 1987, which required all orcas to register with the United Arctic Animals Committee (UAAC, which I founded in 1473) and therefore were required to follow the laws of the UAAC regarding the treatment of penguins and other arctic animals. unregistered orcas would therefore be unprotected and viewed as hostile entities by the UAAC. this treaty worked well for many years, however, since the founding of the Free Orca Union, many orcas have gone rogue, either withdrawing or flat-out ignoring their registration with the committee. i think that it is high time we did something about these troublemakers, and an alliance with sea lions would be greatly beneficial to the cause. i think that a feeding arrangement is an excellent idea. perhaps the penguin could donate some sort of food bank to the sea lions, who have been suffering from a terrible food shortage, as a show of good will and an alternate feeding suggestion. and a book club mixer would be a splendid idea. the ladies mentioned to me in last month's meeting that they would love to read anna karenina, which is quite perfect as everyone knows that sea lions adore russian literature and are quite fluent in the language. perhaps a program could be started in which sea lions volunteer to teach russian to penguin schoolchildren. nothing wins over an animal's heart quite like a precocious child learning a complex language. think of how adorable it will be to watch the little penguins try to master the accent!
goblin: Also, the just-matured, might-as-well-be-teenage penguins will have to be dealt with accordingly. I believe that in their fervor for first-time mating and living on their own, they will regrettably fail to see the importance of uniting against those fearfully troublesome orcas. Though all penguin parents faithfully register their newborn chicks with the UAAC, as their parents before them, I fear the recent generations have forgotten the significance of the values on which the Committee was founded on. Sea lion adolescents seem to be suffering from the same predicament. The males want only to swim about, gorge, show off, and bark at the ladies, who in turn bask in the attention and preen, while lounging on the beach and gossiping. I propose that a handful of elders from each species be selected for joint instruction of a class in which the principles of the UAAC are discussed, in order to impress upon these rambunctious youngsters the importance under which the species were brought together in the first place.The class would, of course, be held at times conducive to optimal instruction in Russian Literature. But to balance that language class, and to involve the younger generations in the book-loving societies already sought after by the mature and responsible ladies of both species, might I suggest a more fanciful selection of books be provided as well? Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Stephanie Meyer, and the like? Must keep those young minds active and imaginative!

at this point my brain just about shut down and we were both unable to continue the conversation. but as goblin said later on, "who else could you talk to about being a penguin goddess and have the content turn into a serious political discussion about alliance and settlement between arctic creatures?"